October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

My Story of Loss
The Loss of our First Son



March 2004 Matthew and I lost someone very dear to our hearts. A very special child, who we hoped for, prayed for,
and had a longing desire for. We lost our son. I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. I was so excited, I just couldn’t
believe it!!! I didn’t know what to think. I was on cloud nine. God had finally answered our prayers.
Everything was going great, and I was feeling good, until I was about 9 weeks along. I started having some complications
and ended up being off work for a month. In that time we saw our son Ryley once a week at my doctor’s appointments.
We got to see him move and grow 1-2 times a week that whole month. It was the most amazing thing!!! He was so perfect.
It was great seeing him wiggle around; seeing and hearing his little heart beating. Those were the happiest 3 months of my
life despite the problems I was having. I would go through it all again. I was head over heels in love with him. The last doctor’s
appointment I had was March 3rd. We went in at 11am and we saw Ryley had grown so much since the last week. He was
asleep at first and then the doctor woke him up moving the u/s sensor around on my stomach. It was so cute. I was so assured
that everything was fine. The doctor told me she was 99% sure that the baby would be okay. I went home that day thinking
everything would be fine. Then, that night, I began having horrendous pains. Those pains are more commonly called labor
pains, and at that point I had begun to go into labor. Then, after two hours of excruciating pains, I had given birth to my now
lifeless baby boy. I was devastated, heartbroken, and empty. Looking at his perfect little face, all my hopes and dreams for him
were gone. I held my motionless baby in my hands and cried and cried.
Never once was I mad at God. I asked “why” thousands of times, but I was never mad at Him. I know that everything happens
for a reason, and I know that we can never try to understand the works of God.
Ecclesiastes 11:5 says: “As thou knowest not what is the way of the spirit, nor how the bones do grow in the womb of her
that is with child: even so thou knowest not the works of God who maketh all.” I may never know exactly why God chose
us for this to happen to, but in our sorrow He has blessed me with the opportunity to witness to and encourage other women
who are in the same situation. Romans 8:28 reads: “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God,
to them who are the called according to his purpose.“ Good has come out of this tragedy. I have strengthened my relationship
with the Lord so much and I am able to witness to and encourage other women. God is giving me peace and comfort daily. I joined
several message boards online where women share their stories and others can respond. I have shared my story with them and
made many new friends who I have been able to share my faith with and give some words of encouragement to. Many of these
women have lost all faith in God b/c they see Him as a loving God. They think that because they lost their child, God must not love
them. I tell them different. Some don’t want to hear it, but others are so thankful that I came into their life and helped them. Instead
of turning from God in this terrible time I have turned to Him more. If He wasn’t in my life I couldn’t be where I am today.
I can truly say He is my comfort and my strength. John 16:33: “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have
peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” The Lord gives me peace; He
calms the storms in my life. I know that in His time He will bless us with a child again. No matter what happens in the future, I will
always praise the Lord. I will always wonder what my son would have been like. His personality, looks, mannerisms, voice, etc….
I will always have a space in my heart for my son. I will never forget him. I am a mother and Matthew is a father. We are parents
who lost our first child. Some people may not agree with that, but it is the truth. Whether it is from a miscarriage or still birth or
any other circumstance. A loss is a loss, and it hurts, but God is awesome. I don’t know what the songs called that I’m thinking of,
but it says “Gods grace changes everything and Gods mercy is all that we need. When were up, when were down, Gods arms
are wrapped around us.” The Lord has brought me through this tragedy and helped me to heal. I pray that He has done the
same for others who have lost children. Some people don’t understand that I lost my son though. Some think it was just a
miscarriage, a lost dream. Regardless of how far along I was or wasn’t, that was my son. I can’t speed up the grieving process.
I wish I could, but I can’t. I wish I could be fine right now. I think of Ryley everyday. I am moving on b/c I go on with life. I look to the
future, but I will never forget my son. I am at peace now because I don’t cry that much anymore. I can talk about Ryley and I have
such calmness in my heart. I don’t feel the turmoil that I felt before. I do still cry, but that is life. That’s what happens when you lose a child.
Isaiah 53:4a reads: “Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows,” Jesus understands my pain, but I don’t think
anyone can understand until they have experienced it. At first I didn’t want people’s sympathy, but when I didn’t get it I really felt
alone and abandoned. I felt like nobody cared except for the few people who offered me comfort. And I thank them so much for
that. If it wasn’t for those few people, I probably would have been scared to come back to this church. I realized that it doesn’t
matter who is or isn’t there for me. The Lord is with me always. In 1 Peter 5:7 it says, “Casting all your care upon him; for he
careth for you.” I know the Lord cares for me and is there for me. Romans 5:3-4 ~ ”And not only so, but we glory in tribulations
also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope.” Matthew and I have been
through a lot and I am thankful for it all because we are much stronger. Losing our son has made us such stronger people. We
are more compassionate and understanding now. We really value life a lot more. We cherish every second the Lord gives us.
We are thankful for our lives, and all that we have gone through.