Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Mario
Passing time
I usually draw or crochet while waiting. It really passes the time fast.
I love picking up Trevor. It forces me to have a little bit of down time to chill. I have KSBJ on the radio and get to worship in my car. Its fun :-)
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Life
So Matthews dad is getting worse.
He had one breathing scare, coughing and choking and stuff. He also fell recently. I love George and he is just such an amazing person, I want nothing more for him than to get to be with Jesus and not have this suffering another day.
Matthews sister is pregnant.
She is 6 weeks along right now.
It is exciting! It is hard being in such a dark hard time with Matthews dad but this is new life!! This is giving Matthews mom something to be happy for.
And me..... I want to do something but I just dont know what it is yet and I dont know how to figure it out..... I have just been praying and am going to keep praying, though I know I need to put feet to it too........ I want to work with youth..... I dont know hwo or what. I dont know if it is something i need to get schooling for or what. I dont know how or where to start....... I want to mentor I think, be some kind of a mentor or something........ i dont know.
Trevor is still doing SUPEr in school and that makes me SOOOOOOOOOOOO happy! Hannah is still a sweet silly girl and she is learning a lot from Trevor.
He had one breathing scare, coughing and choking and stuff. He also fell recently. I love George and he is just such an amazing person, I want nothing more for him than to get to be with Jesus and not have this suffering another day.
Matthews sister is pregnant.
She is 6 weeks along right now.
It is exciting! It is hard being in such a dark hard time with Matthews dad but this is new life!! This is giving Matthews mom something to be happy for.
And me..... I want to do something but I just dont know what it is yet and I dont know how to figure it out..... I have just been praying and am going to keep praying, though I know I need to put feet to it too........ I want to work with youth..... I dont know hwo or what. I dont know if it is something i need to get schooling for or what. I dont know how or where to start....... I want to mentor I think, be some kind of a mentor or something........ i dont know.
Trevor is still doing SUPEr in school and that makes me SOOOOOOOOOOOO happy! Hannah is still a sweet silly girl and she is learning a lot from Trevor.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month
My Story of Loss
The Loss of our First Son
March 2004 Matthew and I lost someone very dear to our hearts. A very special child, who we hoped for, prayed for,
and had a longing desire for. We lost our son. I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. I was so excited, I just couldn’t
believe it!!! I didn’t know what to think. I was on cloud nine. God had finally answered our prayers.
Everything was going great, and I was feeling good, until I was about 9 weeks along. I started having some complications
and ended up being off work for a month. In that time we saw our son Ryley once a week at my doctor’s appointments.
We got to see him move and grow 1-2 times a week that whole month. It was the most amazing thing!!! He was so perfect.
It was great seeing him wiggle around; seeing and hearing his little heart beating. Those were the happiest 3 months of my
life despite the problems I was having. I would go through it all again. I was head over heels in love with him. The last doctor’s
appointment I had was March 3rd. We went in at 11am and we saw Ryley had grown so much since the last week. He was
asleep at first and then the doctor woke him up moving the u/s sensor around on my stomach. It was so cute. I was so assured
that everything was fine. The doctor told me she was 99% sure that the baby would be okay. I went home that day thinking
everything would be fine. Then, that night, I began having horrendous pains. Those pains are more commonly called labor
pains, and at that point I had begun to go into labor. Then, after two hours of excruciating pains, I had given birth to my now
lifeless baby boy. I was devastated, heartbroken, and empty. Looking at his perfect little face, all my hopes and dreams for him
were gone. I held my motionless baby in my hands and cried and cried.
Never once was I mad at God. I asked “why” thousands of times, but I was never mad at Him. I know that everything happens
for a reason, and I know that we can never try to understand the works of God.
Ecclesiastes 11:5 says: “As thou knowest not what is the way of the spirit, nor how the bones do grow in the womb of her
that is with child: even so thou knowest not the works of God who maketh all.” I may never know exactly why God chose
us for this to happen to, but in our sorrow He has blessed me with the opportunity to witness to and encourage other women
who are in the same situation. Romans 8:28 reads: “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God,
to them who are the called according to his purpose.“ Good has come out of this tragedy. I have strengthened my relationship
with the Lord so much and I am able to witness to and encourage other women. God is giving me peace and comfort daily. I joined
several message boards online where women share their stories and others can respond. I have shared my story with them and
made many new friends who I have been able to share my faith with and give some words of encouragement to. Many of these
women have lost all faith in God b/c they see Him as a loving God. They think that because they lost their child, God must not love
them. I tell them different. Some don’t want to hear it, but others are so thankful that I came into their life and helped them. Instead
of turning from God in this terrible time I have turned to Him more. If He wasn’t in my life I couldn’t be where I am today.
I can truly say He is my comfort and my strength. John 16:33: “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have
peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” The Lord gives me peace; He
calms the storms in my life. I know that in His time He will bless us with a child again. No matter what happens in the future, I will
always praise the Lord. I will always wonder what my son would have been like. His personality, looks, mannerisms, voice, etc….
I will always have a space in my heart for my son. I will never forget him. I am a mother and Matthew is a father. We are parents
who lost our first child. Some people may not agree with that, but it is the truth. Whether it is from a miscarriage or still birth or
any other circumstance. A loss is a loss, and it hurts, but God is awesome. I don’t know what the songs called that I’m thinking of,
but it says “Gods grace changes everything and Gods mercy is all that we need. When were up, when were down, Gods arms
are wrapped around us.” The Lord has brought me through this tragedy and helped me to heal. I pray that He has done the
same for others who have lost children. Some people don’t understand that I lost my son though. Some think it was just a
miscarriage, a lost dream. Regardless of how far along I was or wasn’t, that was my son. I can’t speed up the grieving process.
I wish I could, but I can’t. I wish I could be fine right now. I think of Ryley everyday. I am moving on b/c I go on with life. I look to the
future, but I will never forget my son. I am at peace now because I don’t cry that much anymore. I can talk about Ryley and I have
such calmness in my heart. I don’t feel the turmoil that I felt before. I do still cry, but that is life. That’s what happens when you lose a child.
Isaiah 53:4a reads: “Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows,” Jesus understands my pain, but I don’t think
anyone can understand until they have experienced it. At first I didn’t want people’s sympathy, but when I didn’t get it I really felt
alone and abandoned. I felt like nobody cared except for the few people who offered me comfort. And I thank them so much for
that. If it wasn’t for those few people, I probably would have been scared to come back to this church. I realized that it doesn’t
matter who is or isn’t there for me. The Lord is with me always. In 1 Peter 5:7 it says, “Casting all your care upon him; for he
careth for you.” I know the Lord cares for me and is there for me. Romans 5:3-4 ~ ”And not only so, but we glory in tribulations
also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope.” Matthew and I have been
through a lot and I am thankful for it all because we are much stronger. Losing our son has made us such stronger people. We
are more compassionate and understanding now. We really value life a lot more. We cherish every second the Lord gives us.
We are thankful for our lives, and all that we have gone through.
The Loss of our First Son
March 2004 Matthew and I lost someone very dear to our hearts. A very special child, who we hoped for, prayed for,
and had a longing desire for. We lost our son. I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. I was so excited, I just couldn’t
believe it!!! I didn’t know what to think. I was on cloud nine. God had finally answered our prayers.
Everything was going great, and I was feeling good, until I was about 9 weeks along. I started having some complications
and ended up being off work for a month. In that time we saw our son Ryley once a week at my doctor’s appointments.
We got to see him move and grow 1-2 times a week that whole month. It was the most amazing thing!!! He was so perfect.
It was great seeing him wiggle around; seeing and hearing his little heart beating. Those were the happiest 3 months of my
life despite the problems I was having. I would go through it all again. I was head over heels in love with him. The last doctor’s
appointment I had was March 3rd. We went in at 11am and we saw Ryley had grown so much since the last week. He was
asleep at first and then the doctor woke him up moving the u/s sensor around on my stomach. It was so cute. I was so assured
that everything was fine. The doctor told me she was 99% sure that the baby would be okay. I went home that day thinking
everything would be fine. Then, that night, I began having horrendous pains. Those pains are more commonly called labor
pains, and at that point I had begun to go into labor. Then, after two hours of excruciating pains, I had given birth to my now
lifeless baby boy. I was devastated, heartbroken, and empty. Looking at his perfect little face, all my hopes and dreams for him
were gone. I held my motionless baby in my hands and cried and cried.
Never once was I mad at God. I asked “why” thousands of times, but I was never mad at Him. I know that everything happens
for a reason, and I know that we can never try to understand the works of God.
Ecclesiastes 11:5 says: “As thou knowest not what is the way of the spirit, nor how the bones do grow in the womb of her
that is with child: even so thou knowest not the works of God who maketh all.” I may never know exactly why God chose
us for this to happen to, but in our sorrow He has blessed me with the opportunity to witness to and encourage other women
who are in the same situation. Romans 8:28 reads: “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God,
to them who are the called according to his purpose.“ Good has come out of this tragedy. I have strengthened my relationship
with the Lord so much and I am able to witness to and encourage other women. God is giving me peace and comfort daily. I joined
several message boards online where women share their stories and others can respond. I have shared my story with them and
made many new friends who I have been able to share my faith with and give some words of encouragement to. Many of these
women have lost all faith in God b/c they see Him as a loving God. They think that because they lost their child, God must not love
them. I tell them different. Some don’t want to hear it, but others are so thankful that I came into their life and helped them. Instead
of turning from God in this terrible time I have turned to Him more. If He wasn’t in my life I couldn’t be where I am today.
I can truly say He is my comfort and my strength. John 16:33: “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have
peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” The Lord gives me peace; He
calms the storms in my life. I know that in His time He will bless us with a child again. No matter what happens in the future, I will
always praise the Lord. I will always wonder what my son would have been like. His personality, looks, mannerisms, voice, etc….
I will always have a space in my heart for my son. I will never forget him. I am a mother and Matthew is a father. We are parents
who lost our first child. Some people may not agree with that, but it is the truth. Whether it is from a miscarriage or still birth or
any other circumstance. A loss is a loss, and it hurts, but God is awesome. I don’t know what the songs called that I’m thinking of,
but it says “Gods grace changes everything and Gods mercy is all that we need. When were up, when were down, Gods arms
are wrapped around us.” The Lord has brought me through this tragedy and helped me to heal. I pray that He has done the
same for others who have lost children. Some people don’t understand that I lost my son though. Some think it was just a
miscarriage, a lost dream. Regardless of how far along I was or wasn’t, that was my son. I can’t speed up the grieving process.
I wish I could, but I can’t. I wish I could be fine right now. I think of Ryley everyday. I am moving on b/c I go on with life. I look to the
future, but I will never forget my son. I am at peace now because I don’t cry that much anymore. I can talk about Ryley and I have
such calmness in my heart. I don’t feel the turmoil that I felt before. I do still cry, but that is life. That’s what happens when you lose a child.
Isaiah 53:4a reads: “Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows,” Jesus understands my pain, but I don’t think
anyone can understand until they have experienced it. At first I didn’t want people’s sympathy, but when I didn’t get it I really felt
alone and abandoned. I felt like nobody cared except for the few people who offered me comfort. And I thank them so much for
that. If it wasn’t for those few people, I probably would have been scared to come back to this church. I realized that it doesn’t
matter who is or isn’t there for me. The Lord is with me always. In 1 Peter 5:7 it says, “Casting all your care upon him; for he
careth for you.” I know the Lord cares for me and is there for me. Romans 5:3-4 ~ ”And not only so, but we glory in tribulations
also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope.” Matthew and I have been
through a lot and I am thankful for it all because we are much stronger. Losing our son has made us such stronger people. We
are more compassionate and understanding now. We really value life a lot more. We cherish every second the Lord gives us.
We are thankful for our lives, and all that we have gone through.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
I Love You
My dad ALWAYS ends every phone conversation with "I Love You" or "Love You", never ever does he just say bye. It means so much to me every time he says it too! Those words are powerful ones.
When Matthew told me his dad hasn't said those words to him since he was a little kid my heart was sad for him. Really sad. We all know George loves his kids, and is a wonderful dad, but there is just something about hearing those words that warm the heart.
Last time Matthew went out to see his dad, he was really sick with the cancer, but still doing ok. Well when Matthew went to leave he said "I love you dad" and George said "Ok, see ya later" . And I know that has got to hurt a little bit on Matthews end.
Well he is flying home today from visiting his dad and he texted me and told me that his dad said "I Love You" to him. I had been praying that before George goes to see Jesus that he would say "I Love You" to Matthew. I prayed hard for it and I think God answered that prayer, i dont think it was some coincidence. George said "I love you kid" to Christina and she hadnt heard those words since she was little as well. It makes me cry a happy cry everytime I think about it.
So never take those three little words for granted, please.
When Matthew told me his dad hasn't said those words to him since he was a little kid my heart was sad for him. Really sad. We all know George loves his kids, and is a wonderful dad, but there is just something about hearing those words that warm the heart.
Last time Matthew went out to see his dad, he was really sick with the cancer, but still doing ok. Well when Matthew went to leave he said "I love you dad" and George said "Ok, see ya later" . And I know that has got to hurt a little bit on Matthews end.
Well he is flying home today from visiting his dad and he texted me and told me that his dad said "I Love You" to him. I had been praying that before George goes to see Jesus that he would say "I Love You" to Matthew. I prayed hard for it and I think God answered that prayer, i dont think it was some coincidence. George said "I love you kid" to Christina and she hadnt heard those words since she was little as well. It makes me cry a happy cry everytime I think about it.
So never take those three little words for granted, please.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
updatey stuff
So, as I said, it hit me yesterday that George is doing so badly.
Today, my care group was so sweet! I Love Them!! It is just nice to be told that it is ok to cry. It is nice to be surrounded by such great people!
It is also nice to go to church, where there are 5,000 members, and to walk in the door and feel loved. To get hugs...... to get people asking how we are, how Matthew is and how George is..... to know that you can go to such a big church and it can still feel like a tight knit family is amazing.......
Driving home tonite there was a storm rolling in, black and dark, thunder and lightening. It was kinda how I have been feeling inside..... sad, mad (that someone so wonderful, has to go through hell) and just upset..... and then I turn to go home and I am driving in to blue skies..... ( i know things will get better.... sadness, anger will subside eventually) and i look to my right and there is the most fantastic sunset, with the sun rays bursting through the clouds, and God was just reminding me that He is walking right there with me, and Matthew and his family.... and the He will carry us....all of us....some day we may even find a purpose in all of this... we might be able to make sense of it all and if we cant we can rest in the fact that it is not the end.... Someday soon George will stop hurting, he will be with Jesus and we will see him again. It doesnt take the hurt away but it is comforting.
Today, my care group was so sweet! I Love Them!! It is just nice to be told that it is ok to cry. It is nice to be surrounded by such great people!
It is also nice to go to church, where there are 5,000 members, and to walk in the door and feel loved. To get hugs...... to get people asking how we are, how Matthew is and how George is..... to know that you can go to such a big church and it can still feel like a tight knit family is amazing.......
Driving home tonite there was a storm rolling in, black and dark, thunder and lightening. It was kinda how I have been feeling inside..... sad, mad (that someone so wonderful, has to go through hell) and just upset..... and then I turn to go home and I am driving in to blue skies..... ( i know things will get better.... sadness, anger will subside eventually) and i look to my right and there is the most fantastic sunset, with the sun rays bursting through the clouds, and God was just reminding me that He is walking right there with me, and Matthew and his family.... and the He will carry us....all of us....some day we may even find a purpose in all of this... we might be able to make sense of it all and if we cant we can rest in the fact that it is not the end.... Someday soon George will stop hurting, he will be with Jesus and we will see him again. It doesnt take the hurt away but it is comforting.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Darn!
So Matthew and Hannah left to Delaware today to see Matthews dad.
Trevor called George and told him Happy Birthday. He did not sound good on the phone.
It hasn't been REAL to me until today, that we are losing George. He will be going to be with Jesus sooner than we want.
Now I get all the statements, and know what I need to think and feel. "It is all in God's time", "God has a plan for it all", "Everyone has to die sometime (though this one is very rude)", " Be thankful he knows Jesus", and on and on and on. Why cant people say "It is ok to cry", "It is ok to be mad, Tell God that you are mad!!", and just let you feel like crap sometimes, not that i want to feel like crap but when your heart hurts, those fluffy saying dont help, you have to feel the hurt and work through it. You have to be able to cry and be mad and sad and irritated and everything, and get through those to really heal.
So as much as I love Jesus, and I know George loves Jesus and I know he will go to Heaven when he does pass on, it doesnt take the sadness away. The here and now sadness that he wont be here with us anymore.
I just cherish every day the Lord still lets George be with us and and thankful and honored to be his daughter-in-law because he is an amazing man of God, and his strength and courage and inspiring.
Trevor called George and told him Happy Birthday. He did not sound good on the phone.
It hasn't been REAL to me until today, that we are losing George. He will be going to be with Jesus sooner than we want.
Now I get all the statements, and know what I need to think and feel. "It is all in God's time", "God has a plan for it all", "Everyone has to die sometime (though this one is very rude)", " Be thankful he knows Jesus", and on and on and on. Why cant people say "It is ok to cry", "It is ok to be mad, Tell God that you are mad!!", and just let you feel like crap sometimes, not that i want to feel like crap but when your heart hurts, those fluffy saying dont help, you have to feel the hurt and work through it. You have to be able to cry and be mad and sad and irritated and everything, and get through those to really heal.
So as much as I love Jesus, and I know George loves Jesus and I know he will go to Heaven when he does pass on, it doesnt take the sadness away. The here and now sadness that he wont be here with us anymore.
I just cherish every day the Lord still lets George be with us and and thankful and honored to be his daughter-in-law because he is an amazing man of God, and his strength and courage and inspiring.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Youth
So I have always had this urge in the deep dark reaches of my heart to work with youth.
I have gone through so much crap in my life, divorced parents, fighting, drugs, alcohol, school problems, low self-esteem, and much much more. And I dont think that God let me go through those things for no reason, I think I need to use them to help other teens that are now going through what I went through.
It scares me though!
I am a very shy introverted person.
I am not good with words.
And I dont know where to start!!!!
God please give me direction!
I have gone through so much crap in my life, divorced parents, fighting, drugs, alcohol, school problems, low self-esteem, and much much more. And I dont think that God let me go through those things for no reason, I think I need to use them to help other teens that are now going through what I went through.
It scares me though!
I am a very shy introverted person.
I am not good with words.
And I dont know where to start!!!!
God please give me direction!
Kids Books
So I decided I want to start keeping a log of the books we check out from the library and read.
Just a Bully by: Mercer Mayer
This book was good, but i dont think it really teaches kids how to handle bullies.
Little Badger, Terror of the Seven Seas by: Eve Bunting
This story was cute, great for little kids, showing them about using their imaginations
Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire by: Diane deGroat
This book was very good! Talks about telling the truth, and how telling the truth is far better than lying and trying to deny it
King Teddy by: Gabriele Kiefer
This book was very cute too, Hannahs favorite
The Quiet Little Farm by: Janet Kerr
This book was cute, the pictures are beautiful but I thought it was kind of boring.
In God's Hands by: Lawrence Kushner and Gary Schmidt
This book was amazing! A little bit too old for my kids 4 and 5 years old but it was a great book with a great message!
____________________________________________________________________
The giving Tree by Shel Silverstein
This book was kinda sad. The tree just gave and gave and the boy just took and took. I like that the tree had all the boy needed even when it was down to just a stump.
Just a Bully by: Mercer Mayer
This book was good, but i dont think it really teaches kids how to handle bullies.
Little Badger, Terror of the Seven Seas by: Eve Bunting
This story was cute, great for little kids, showing them about using their imaginations
Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire by: Diane deGroat
This book was very good! Talks about telling the truth, and how telling the truth is far better than lying and trying to deny it
King Teddy by: Gabriele Kiefer
This book was very cute too, Hannahs favorite
The Quiet Little Farm by: Janet Kerr
This book was cute, the pictures are beautiful but I thought it was kind of boring.
In God's Hands by: Lawrence Kushner and Gary Schmidt
This book was amazing! A little bit too old for my kids 4 and 5 years old but it was a great book with a great message!
____________________________________________________________________
The giving Tree by Shel Silverstein
This book was kinda sad. The tree just gave and gave and the boy just took and took. I like that the tree had all the boy needed even when it was down to just a stump.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Catch Up
So Trevor is going on his second week of school being done.
I did not cry the first day, when we dropped him off. The only time I almost cried was when Hannah was so upset that her best friend was leaving her. She was soooo upset.
So at the school they have this paw system, you get 5 paws max for good behavior, following the rules and everything. Well he gets 5 paws everyday, which eases my mind a little bit. At least he is following the rules right ?!
He is learning a ton already.
If I say "What did you learn at school today?" all I get from him is "I dont know" so I have gotten creative in how I ask him things and he is finally talking more about what he is learning.
The first day of school he didnt eat his lunch at all. Not one thing.
Then all he was eating was the junk.
Now after a good talking to, he is eating most of his lunch. At least a sandwich, fruit and cheese or veggie.
He loves Mr. Hall his teacher, he thinks the world of him, it is so cute! Mr. Hall seems like a pretty cool guy, so I am really glad that Trevor got him as a teacher. I just wish they could have the same teacher forever!!
On another note, Matthew dad and sister should be here in 6 days! Pray that his dad is able to make the trip. I am very excited!
I am back to doing crochet. I am trying to find new and fun hats to make. It is giving me something to do with my time, and I really enjoy it! Hannah and Trevor love have new fun hats, and modeling them for me while I take pictures for my facebook page.
I did not cry the first day, when we dropped him off. The only time I almost cried was when Hannah was so upset that her best friend was leaving her. She was soooo upset.
So at the school they have this paw system, you get 5 paws max for good behavior, following the rules and everything. Well he gets 5 paws everyday, which eases my mind a little bit. At least he is following the rules right ?!
He is learning a ton already.
If I say "What did you learn at school today?" all I get from him is "I dont know" so I have gotten creative in how I ask him things and he is finally talking more about what he is learning.
The first day of school he didnt eat his lunch at all. Not one thing.
Then all he was eating was the junk.
Now after a good talking to, he is eating most of his lunch. At least a sandwich, fruit and cheese or veggie.
He loves Mr. Hall his teacher, he thinks the world of him, it is so cute! Mr. Hall seems like a pretty cool guy, so I am really glad that Trevor got him as a teacher. I just wish they could have the same teacher forever!!
On another note, Matthew dad and sister should be here in 6 days! Pray that his dad is able to make the trip. I am very excited!
I am back to doing crochet. I am trying to find new and fun hats to make. It is giving me something to do with my time, and I really enjoy it! Hannah and Trevor love have new fun hats, and modeling them for me while I take pictures for my facebook page.
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